How to Drive

In keeping with Lanigan and Malone's Monday Moaning, I am starting a new blog just to complain about things that really piss me off.... So, again, you have been warned. Proceed at your own risk. : )

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Originally written Summer 2006*

I would like to take this opportunity to educate the people of Akron (Fairlawn, specifically) as to what, exactly, the big signs, pretty lights and yellow lines on W. Exchange and W. Market Street actually mean. I am forced to travel down this path of idiocy every weekday, excluding banking holidays. Unfortunately, so are most of my neighbors. And, since I have realized that most of them have no clue what these common road signs mean, I feel it is my social responsibility to educate the city of Akron.

Occasionally, you may see a white sign with black letters and two very prominent black numbers. These numbers define the speed limit for that particular stretch of road. This limit on the speed of your vehicle is the actual speed that you are permitted to go. For example, if the big, black numbers are a 3 and a 5, you can allow your vehicle to reach speeds of 35 (pronounced thirty-five) miles per hour. In some cases, you may even exceed the speed limit slightly to 40 miles per hour. Under no circumstances, however, should you ever maintain a constant 25 miles per hour along that stretch of W. Exchange Street (Ohio license plate: DAK 4583).

Now, I understand that there is a school zone along this route. I pass through two (soon to be three) of these such zones every day. However, the speed limit in these areas is 20 miles per hour. This means that my manual transmission car should be well out of first gear. It is perfectly acceptable to reach this limit, as long as one does not exceed it. I, in no way, endorse speeding through school zones, although I do encourage my fellow Akronites to make sure that your car is moving forward at all times in these zones.

The next several miles of my drive are usually without incident. One word of caution to those who still cannot grasp the speed limit concept. If you see a vehicle following closely behind you, it is probably safe for you to assume that the driver of said vehicle would like to pass you. Do not slow down. Do not stay in the left lane (also known as the PASSING lane). Get your ass out of the way. Just because you choose to waste our planets precious resources with your aimless driving does not mean that other drivers do not have places to be. Maybe you should wait until rush hour is over.

The worst portion of my daily commute is, without a doubt, W. Market Street between Revere and Ghent Roads. It seems that, as soon as I cross Revere, I encounter every driver in the Akron area who should have failed his or her drivers license test. The speed limit (remember this term?) in this area is 35 miles per hour. There are two lanes on either side of the road. In the center, however, lies a fifth lane. This lane is delineated by yellow lines two solid lines on the outer-most edges and two dashed lines (the ones that indicate you can pass another vehicle) on the inner edge of those. This lane is called a turning lane. Its primary function is to permit the flow of traffic to continue while allowing vehicles that need to make a left-hand turn to do so.

Let me repeat that. ITS PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TO PERMIT THE FLOW OF TRAFFIC TO CONTINUE WHILE ALLOWING VEHICLES THAT NEED TO MAKE A LEFT-HAND TURN TO DO SO.

It is one of my greatest desires that the people of Akron (and Ohio, too) learn basic traffic rules. I can only hope that those who need this assistance will heed my words of advice.